Draft Priority: 2
Stack Status: 2
Questionable. I just put in all the creatures with Flash for the most part.
Imagine you’re a creature in a game of Magic. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say you’re Glory Seeker, though you no doubt see yourself more along the lines of Mirran Crusader or something (get over yourself). Anyway, you’re out Glory Seeking with a few of bros (let’s say Raise the Alarm tokens) and you hear awful, eldritch screams and echoing footsteps in the distance.
Ulamog’s Crusher on the horizon! It takes note of the fancy, robe-clad planeswalker behind you who plucked you from your home and life and plunged you into a world of mindless servitude in an attempt to drain his “opponent’s life total”, whatever that means. The mountain or terror turns to face the planeswalker and charges, it’s footsteps rending the earth beneath it as the laws of the natural world fall away to the utter madness that is this creature.
The two bros you were just walking with explode into red mist. Now the planeswalker tells you “jump in front of that charging mass of alien death.”
“oh ya np” you reply, through no volition of your own. Your bowels similarly stop obeying your brain and let loose.
Your pitiful worldly frame positions itself before the oncoming Eldrazi, sundering the world itself as it advances, and you realize, “it’s all over… if this thing kills me, do I even die? Am I reconstituted as some impossible, sanity-bending monster’s leg? If I had some of that badass 3D maneuver gear, could I kill it? Do I become fuel for this otherworldly scourge?”
Then, your phone plays a snippet of the chorus from Katy Perry’s “Roar”. Incoming text message. Oh, cool. It’s not like your sword even interacts with the Crusher on a meaningful level, so you might as well tell whoever’s texting you “gettin squished ;P ttyl”
You flip open your Nokia flip phone (your iPhone broke down after you blocked a saproling earlier, and the planeswalker has like twenty of these things in a bag). Text message from: Derfington, PW. “jump in2 prtl”
Then, behind you, an orange mirage materializes from the aether. The portal? Well, the planewalker said jump in. But who just jumps into a portal?
The Ulamog’s Crusher is in front of you. It’s footsteps rattle your teeth, the booming echo reverberating in your chest and dirty adult diaper. The impossible noise it eminates makes the world itself waver as a nightmarish version of physics imposes itself over natural laws. It is death, it is the apocalypse, and it is upon you.
The glowing portal looks pretty good. The planeswalker gave you a burner phone. You can trust him.
You jump into the portal, knowing you were dead anyway. A brilliant flash overwhelms your vision briefly OH SHIT A LION COMING STRAIGHT FOR ME
Later on, everyone explains the Ulamog’s Crusher inexplicably stopped where you were standing earlier, a lion came out of the portal, said “chill bro I got this” and then some fruit with facepaint on stabbed the Crusher in the armpit, killing it.
Whitemane Lion is mediocre in Type 4.
Overall: Two burner phones out of five