Review: Patron the Nezumi

Draft Priority: 4

Impact: 4

Stack Status: *6*
Stacker Pentecost. It’s worth like fifty cents for a reason.

Discussion:

Back in the day I had a friend who owned a Last Laugh Magic deck. I’m sure everyone had a friend like that. I must admit I actually find Last Laugh to be an excellent card and wish there were more like it, and Patron the Nezumi is sort of a proto-nWo version of it but I’m ok with that. It unfortunately lacks the best part of Last Laugh–the hilarious chain reaction of death–but it’s probably a better card since it has very little chance of killing you, always a real risk with it’s spiritual predecessor.

It’s a decent ability that can go haywire sometimes tacked onto a big but stupid body. I mean… of course it’s good for Type 4. I’d hope you could figure this out on your own.

Overall: Four and a half Urza’s Armor out of five

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Review: Tomorrow, Azami’s Familiar

Draft Priority: 3

Impact: 3

Stack Status: 4
Staple. It costs a ton of mana but it’s super-fair.

Discussion:

It’s not often where you see relatively basic utility being pulled at the six-mana slot, but the Kamigawa block was a funny time when cards were mostly poop and Umezawa’s Jitte ruined everything. Tomorrow is a great Type 4 card in the roleplayer position–it’s worth taking as it’s card-sorting ability is really powerful, but the impact is spread out over time instead of being a one-time RIFLE BURS of game-shattering power. As a result, he can be slept on and let you get away with a lot more than you reasonably should. Combine that with only one power, and you have a near-ideal package of passive, below-the-radar power.

So, Tomorrow is a good card… but is it worth drafting over some obvious power like Elemental Appeal? I don’t think so often, but it’s value increases hugely dependent on the type of cards you’ve already drafted. If you’re rolling with a bunch of No Mercy and Karmic Justice effects, than you’re likely already going for a long-term strategy where he slots in perfectly… in that case, taking Tomorrow way earlier than seems reasonable to others makes sense. But otherwise, it’s more of a nice-to-have thing.

Just… when you see some disgusting, vomiting 80s-hair toad-thing on the other side of the table ‘doing nothing’, blow it up.

Overall: Three six-mana utility cards out of five

Review: Sickening Shoal

Draft Priority: 4

Impact: 3

Stack Status: 5
Stacker Pentecost. This is pretty much the only format this card is good in.

Discussion:

While this card is an absolute hunk of shit (like most of the block that spawned it), in Type 4 it finally sees an opportunity to function well and jumps on the chance with gusto. Not only is it an ‘X’ spell cast at instant speed, but it has an alternative casting cost that generally benefits from Type 4’s mana-intensive setting. How wondrous. It’s -X/-X removal which I’ve already discussed the benefits of as well.

For a card with a bunch of puking diseased fish floating around on it, this is actually pretty sweet. Additionally, when looking to acquire one, I think it should be legal to punch people who ask you for more than a dime for it but that’s just me.

Overall: Three and a half puking fish out of five

Review: Opal-Eye, Konda’s Yojimbo

Draft Priority: 5

Impact: 4

Stack Status: *6*
This card goes from ashy to classy in Type 4. Find it, refuse to pay more than a dollar for it, and jam it directly into the stack.

Discussion:

Is this a lady with somewhat bizarre anatomy, or a guy with bitch tits from steroid abuse?

Either way, don’t let the freakish appearance fool you. Opal-Eye might not whoop a whole lot of ass… actually, I guess he/she/whatever mostly takes a bunch of bare-bottom spankings in your place. But he/she/it is so good at it.

While not as awesome as Vengeful Archon, Opal-Eye will do in a pinch, serving as a professional chump blocker forever and even gleefully volunteering to jump in the way of a Searing Wind aimed at your skillet. He/she/it’s cool like that.

The Yojimbo is a wonderful stack card for another reason; it’s uniquely good in Type 4 without becoming oppressive. Vengeful Archon is extremely powerful in Type 4. It renders you almost impossible for kill for a while and provides a very large, powerful body to beat opponents to death at the same time. In some environments, I can see the Archon ruining games as everyone has to just scramble to kill it or do nothing. It’s kind of like Planeswalkers in regular Magic; once they come into play, you’re playing a completely different game, and one that’s generally inferior to what you had before.

Opal-Eye isn’t up in here mangling games like that. Instead your Fox Samurai bodyguard is just looking for a spot to post up, pop out the fake eye and polish it, and take some damage for you.

Overall: Four red bottoms out of five